These chains of mine....

So this is what it feels like (well, almost...) to being a working person. Gives me the shivers thinking I would be a lot worse as I grow older, doing nothing but work, barely seeing your family, barely noticing you have less people to talk too. Well it is the path I took, I can't turn back now.

I wanted to be responsible so that perhaps I can better support the people I love and care about in the future. But still it hurts, thou not as badly as it used to. It used to be that I would do everything I can to hold on to them. But now my heart grows colder as ' I don't care' becomes the chant in my head and on my lips. I keep seeing new faces now, with unreadable masks, and sometimes the old me would pop up to say hi. It never goes down well with them thou.

I keep thinking back to the days of the younger me, of how carefree I was back then. It is unfortunate that the world is a harsh mistress, with reality being a bitch. Old me can't fit into this world. Old me would just be drifted apart. But somewhat I liked the old me, the freedom she has, the opportunity that she could have.

New me says it can't be done, it can't be allowed. The new me says I must not care more for others feelings but concentrate more on my own. Be more selfish a good friend said to me once. Don't let the world walk all over you.

I tried, my dear, believe me. It will take a while to stop loving to help others even when they forget what you did. To stop thinking too much of what did I do wrong to make them overlook me. To stop feeling sorry for myself when I'm left alone but was always there when I'm needed. Dear me, it's really going to take a while isn't it......

Current Mood : Lost
Current listening to : Forsaken - Within Temptation

A moments reflection

I want,
To enjoy what I do,
To have a decent conversation,
To laugh with no care,
To be able to eat freely,
To drink with no worry.

I need,
To get motivated to do work,
To get my mind out of the gutter,
To stop fooling around,
To let things be,
To start being me.

I hope,
To stand up on my own,
To be a stronger person,
To not let others use me ,
To be able to say no,
again and again,
And to finally ending this pain.

Current Mood : Numb
Current listening to : Straight Up - Paula Abdul

What I see....

Do you know what it feels like?

To hate a part of you,

Yet, still long to love it,

But it keeps on hurting you,

Keeps you crying hard at times,

Silently so that no one may hear,

How this strong walls around me,

Can easily crumble down.

How I long for the answers to be clear,

Am I,

Or am I not,

Who I am meant to be?

Am I,

Really this sort of person?

Knowing how much I hate,

What I am now.

The memories kept haunting me,

It keeps replaying in my mind,

Like an old movie ,

Except this is real,

And you can't turn,

Your eyes away.

I see the monster,

For the very first time,

And it made her cry.

It hurt her badly.

I remembered the tears.

Her frightful eyes.

I watched them again,

I was only little,

Yet,

I had understood.

What I was seeing,

And what I,

Have to live with.

I knew,

That as long as it lives,

It will come back again,

It will continue to hurt,

It will continue to make,

More tears to fall.

But who was I kidding,

I was merely a child,

I wasn't strong enough,

I could never be,

For the monster is huge

And scary,

I was nothing to it.

As I grew older,

I saw it surfaces,

Again and again,

I remembered the words,

I remembered the hurt,

I remembered the things broken.

Sometimes it gets angry,

Because of me,

Sometimes it gets angry,

For me,

And other times it gets angry,

At the people around me.

But the worst of all,

Is when its angry,

At itself,

And it turns to me.

I didn't mind,

Even thou it hurts,

Because I knew,

If I was the one hurting,

It wouldn't hurt,

Anyone else.

It wouldn't make her cry again,

It wouldn't hurt her again.

As I grew older,

And I saw the monster,

Again and again,

I grew weary,

But she stood by it,

She loved it,

Even thou it had hurt her before,

I couldn't understand it.

And so I hated it.

She said it loved me,

That was why it hurt me,

I didn't believe her,

Yet,

I find myself,

Sometimes loving it,

When it's not a monster.

It's confusing,

I know,

But what am I to do,

I couldn't kill it,

Even thou I have had thoughts,

About the deed,

For the only thing that's,

Stopping me,

Is that it is loved,

By the people around me.

Nowadays, the monster stays silent,

But it will show itself,

When I did wrong,

Or so it thinks,

And sometimes,

When I let my guard down,

It shows itself,

And instead of hurting my flesh,

It aims for my heart and sanity.

My heart shatters,

Whenever it says,

I am stupid,

Useless,

Not worth caring for.

My will is broken,

Whenever it says,

I am nothing,

And the ones,

That I was protecting

Agrees with it.

My sanity is tormented,

Whenever I looked,

Into the mirror,

And as I,

See myself,

I also see it,

It was with me,

And as I looked closer,

It became me.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : What Have You Done - Within Temptation

Resolution Rambles...

I know, I know ...I sound like a certain fa lecturer yes? XP. Oh yeah I'm thinking of making more of this audio logs....tell me what you think bout it ok?

Current Mood : Confused
Current listening to : Exile-Halftime- Epik High