These chains of mine....

So this is what it feels like (well, almost...) to being a working person. Gives me the shivers thinking I would be a lot worse as I grow older, doing nothing but work, barely seeing your family, barely noticing you have less people to talk too. Well it is the path I took, I can't turn back now.

I wanted to be responsible so that perhaps I can better support the people I love and care about in the future. But still it hurts, thou not as badly as it used to. It used to be that I would do everything I can to hold on to them. But now my heart grows colder as ' I don't care' becomes the chant in my head and on my lips. I keep seeing new faces now, with unreadable masks, and sometimes the old me would pop up to say hi. It never goes down well with them thou.

I keep thinking back to the days of the younger me, of how carefree I was back then. It is unfortunate that the world is a harsh mistress, with reality being a bitch. Old me can't fit into this world. Old me would just be drifted apart. But somewhat I liked the old me, the freedom she has, the opportunity that she could have.

New me says it can't be done, it can't be allowed. The new me says I must not care more for others feelings but concentrate more on my own. Be more selfish a good friend said to me once. Don't let the world walk all over you.

I tried, my dear, believe me. It will take a while to stop loving to help others even when they forget what you did. To stop thinking too much of what did I do wrong to make them overlook me. To stop feeling sorry for myself when I'm left alone but was always there when I'm needed. Dear me, it's really going to take a while isn't it......

Current Mood : Lost
Current listening to : Forsaken - Within Temptation

A moments reflection

I want,
To enjoy what I do,
To have a decent conversation,
To laugh with no care,
To be able to eat freely,
To drink with no worry.

I need,
To get motivated to do work,
To get my mind out of the gutter,
To stop fooling around,
To let things be,
To start being me.

I hope,
To stand up on my own,
To be a stronger person,
To not let others use me ,
To be able to say no,
again and again,
And to finally ending this pain.

Current Mood : Numb
Current listening to : Straight Up - Paula Abdul

What I see....

Do you know what it feels like?

To hate a part of you,

Yet, still long to love it,

But it keeps on hurting you,

Keeps you crying hard at times,

Silently so that no one may hear,

How this strong walls around me,

Can easily crumble down.

How I long for the answers to be clear,

Am I,

Or am I not,

Who I am meant to be?

Am I,

Really this sort of person?

Knowing how much I hate,

What I am now.

The memories kept haunting me,

It keeps replaying in my mind,

Like an old movie ,

Except this is real,

And you can't turn,

Your eyes away.

I see the monster,

For the very first time,

And it made her cry.

It hurt her badly.

I remembered the tears.

Her frightful eyes.

I watched them again,

I was only little,

Yet,

I had understood.

What I was seeing,

And what I,

Have to live with.

I knew,

That as long as it lives,

It will come back again,

It will continue to hurt,

It will continue to make,

More tears to fall.

But who was I kidding,

I was merely a child,

I wasn't strong enough,

I could never be,

For the monster is huge

And scary,

I was nothing to it.

As I grew older,

I saw it surfaces,

Again and again,

I remembered the words,

I remembered the hurt,

I remembered the things broken.

Sometimes it gets angry,

Because of me,

Sometimes it gets angry,

For me,

And other times it gets angry,

At the people around me.

But the worst of all,

Is when its angry,

At itself,

And it turns to me.

I didn't mind,

Even thou it hurts,

Because I knew,

If I was the one hurting,

It wouldn't hurt,

Anyone else.

It wouldn't make her cry again,

It wouldn't hurt her again.

As I grew older,

And I saw the monster,

Again and again,

I grew weary,

But she stood by it,

She loved it,

Even thou it had hurt her before,

I couldn't understand it.

And so I hated it.

She said it loved me,

That was why it hurt me,

I didn't believe her,

Yet,

I find myself,

Sometimes loving it,

When it's not a monster.

It's confusing,

I know,

But what am I to do,

I couldn't kill it,

Even thou I have had thoughts,

About the deed,

For the only thing that's,

Stopping me,

Is that it is loved,

By the people around me.

Nowadays, the monster stays silent,

But it will show itself,

When I did wrong,

Or so it thinks,

And sometimes,

When I let my guard down,

It shows itself,

And instead of hurting my flesh,

It aims for my heart and sanity.

My heart shatters,

Whenever it says,

I am stupid,

Useless,

Not worth caring for.

My will is broken,

Whenever it says,

I am nothing,

And the ones,

That I was protecting

Agrees with it.

My sanity is tormented,

Whenever I looked,

Into the mirror,

And as I,

See myself,

I also see it,

It was with me,

And as I looked closer,

It became me.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : What Have You Done - Within Temptation

Resolution Rambles...

I know, I know ...I sound like a certain fa lecturer yes? XP. Oh yeah I'm thinking of making more of this audio logs....tell me what you think bout it ok?

Current Mood : Confused
Current listening to : Exile-Halftime- Epik High

"What is the symbol of your personality?"

You are very loved. Everyone finds you a welcoming, warm person. They look to you for advice and comfort, and someone to just have a good time with. Your personality is seen as cliche and average, but in truth, you have talents and skills and ideas that no one has thought of before. You are someone with style. You are good with colors, and you know how to color people's worlds and minds to your way. You think new relationships are a coloring book, to fill them in with fulfilling conversations and meetings. You may seem nice and perfect and beautiful, you have a policy of "forgive but never forget". You always remember your enemies if you have any, and you know where to steer. Sometimes, when you're completely lost, you are dependent on friends for help. You hope they'll be there for you, but sometimes you fear that they won't be. That is something you are afraid of. You are ready to give, but you are also ready to accept. To many, it seems like you change your personality just for different people, but in fact, you are the one thing that's not changing. Other people grow on you, and grow fond of you, not the other way around. You are always yourself, and you are definite. ....


Funnily enough...it really does hit the spot.....heh.

Ps. Sorry for the very rare updates....real life blows you see...but most probably be writing again during the holidays..till then.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Angels - Within Temptation

These are....

My Words

Am I,
A bad person,
When I rather pursue better grasses on the other side,
Leaving the old field behind?

Am I,
A bad person,
When all I wanted is to be left alone,
And to be with the few who understood me better?

Am I,
A bad person,
That whenever the past tries to reach out to me,
I recoil and continue moving along a different path?

Am I,
A bad person,
That wishes to leave her past behind,
Because I no longer belong there?

Am I,
Such a bad person,
That I rather grow up and face my life,
Rather than to sit still and hid in safety anymore?

Am I,
So much of a bad person, so heartless,
Because in order to fulfill adulthood,
I needed to cut out my past?

People have a tendency to hold on to things too long,
Like parents who want their children to always be children,
Or the few that have lost their loved ones,
To always be there with them.

Well here is the truth,
People change,
People have to move on,
Because just like how time never stays still,
That is how life is,
It is always moving like a river flow,
And us the humans are either,
The ones struggling to hold on to the rocks,
Or the ones carried out by the flow,
I am the latter.

Why do people move on?
To face on level terms with their new challenges,
To make better lives than what they are currently having,
It may not sit well with many,
But that is too bad.

They say that I have forsaken my past,
The result of taking on a new road, with new companions,
They say that I am a bad person,
Because I no longer follow their will.
That I have moved on.

Why?
Because the past is no longer,
The place for me,
Because it keeps choking me,
Leaving no room to be alive.

The longer I stay in the past,
The longer I feel,
Hurt,
Useless,
But most of all,
Anger and disappointment.

Its harsh,
I know,
But its the truth,
Things can never be the same again.

I needed to move on,
To make myself a better person,
A more dependable person,
A more thoughtful one,
To discard these masks I used to wear,
In order to hide my true feelings,
So that I could remain in the past.

Life beckons,
And I am the fool who finally realized,
I needed to head down a different road,
So please stop chaining me to the past,
Stop making me feel guilty for going on alone,
I no longer belong there.
Let me grow up.
Let me be.
Don't make me wear another mask again.
In order to please you.
Just please don't.
Let me be.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Tourniquet - Evanescence

It's that time again...

For that massively huge migraine that accompanies your head whenever assignments are given to you by the lecturers. I used to just brush it off and looking back , I knew I barely made it through out the years with my skin on. It's the third year of my studies in the Faculty of Creative Multimedia, two years since I joined the Film and Animation department.

Do I ever felt like I made a bad choice, or just giving up? Many, many times my dear reader. But somehow like all Sagittarius, I'm stubborn to boot. A rock as my head and pride is my blood. I picked this course on my own accord, DAMMIT! It was my decision and I have to live through it, be it good or bad. Why I even joined in the first place?

I was tired, so very tired of society's boring expectations. I started having all this bored phase when I was 16 and it did affect my SPM results..I'm not proud of that. But I am proud of the fact that I manage to discern that society in whole can be evil.They make their children turn into robots, by creating all this monotone learning syllabus where everyone does the bloody same thing, take the same tests. There is no bloody room for personality to grow! Or for me personally after always being told what to do all my life, I have no sense on which to go at all in the end.

What is my purpose in life..apart from the obvious religion obligations as a healthy Muslim. What I mean is my purpose for being born in this world as a human? A scientist discovering new wonders? An astronaut walking on space with the nations pride? A doctor saving many lives everyday? What, then what? A film director? An animator? Or like Mr Mus always says...a sweatshop worker in the industry.

I admit I'm scared...Film and animation is a great thing without a doubt but what and where will it lead me to? I don't know....hell I don't even know whether my skills are even acceptable. It's so frustrating to think out all this thoughts...to see my comrades in battle fall leaving me and a few soldiers still fighting to defend the fort. Scared I will join them eventually...sigh.

But then, stupid me won't have that my dear reader. If I'm in this worthless fight on my own accord, I'm going to give it my all. Even if I was destined to fall, they can't say that I didn't fall gracefully. Even if battling it out hurts me, in the end it was because I made that decision....to do something different, something the society are not comfortable at.

Something that not many can proudly say they have done that. The road that not many have taken...and me as the fool who went through it...and am still walking.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Russian Roulette - Rihanna