These chains of mine....

So this is what it feels like (well, almost...) to being a working person. Gives me the shivers thinking I would be a lot worse as I grow older, doing nothing but work, barely seeing your family, barely noticing you have less people to talk too. Well it is the path I took, I can't turn back now.

I wanted to be responsible so that perhaps I can better support the people I love and care about in the future. But still it hurts, thou not as badly as it used to. It used to be that I would do everything I can to hold on to them. But now my heart grows colder as ' I don't care' becomes the chant in my head and on my lips. I keep seeing new faces now, with unreadable masks, and sometimes the old me would pop up to say hi. It never goes down well with them thou.

I keep thinking back to the days of the younger me, of how carefree I was back then. It is unfortunate that the world is a harsh mistress, with reality being a bitch. Old me can't fit into this world. Old me would just be drifted apart. But somewhat I liked the old me, the freedom she has, the opportunity that she could have.

New me says it can't be done, it can't be allowed. The new me says I must not care more for others feelings but concentrate more on my own. Be more selfish a good friend said to me once. Don't let the world walk all over you.

I tried, my dear, believe me. It will take a while to stop loving to help others even when they forget what you did. To stop thinking too much of what did I do wrong to make them overlook me. To stop feeling sorry for myself when I'm left alone but was always there when I'm needed. Dear me, it's really going to take a while isn't it......

Current Mood : Lost
Current listening to : Forsaken - Within Temptation

A moments reflection

I want,
To enjoy what I do,
To have a decent conversation,
To laugh with no care,
To be able to eat freely,
To drink with no worry.

I need,
To get motivated to do work,
To get my mind out of the gutter,
To stop fooling around,
To let things be,
To start being me.

I hope,
To stand up on my own,
To be a stronger person,
To not let others use me ,
To be able to say no,
again and again,
And to finally ending this pain.

Current Mood : Numb
Current listening to : Straight Up - Paula Abdul

What I see....

Do you know what it feels like?

To hate a part of you,

Yet, still long to love it,

But it keeps on hurting you,

Keeps you crying hard at times,

Silently so that no one may hear,

How this strong walls around me,

Can easily crumble down.

How I long for the answers to be clear,

Am I,

Or am I not,

Who I am meant to be?

Am I,

Really this sort of person?

Knowing how much I hate,

What I am now.

The memories kept haunting me,

It keeps replaying in my mind,

Like an old movie ,

Except this is real,

And you can't turn,

Your eyes away.

I see the monster,

For the very first time,

And it made her cry.

It hurt her badly.

I remembered the tears.

Her frightful eyes.

I watched them again,

I was only little,

Yet,

I had understood.

What I was seeing,

And what I,

Have to live with.

I knew,

That as long as it lives,

It will come back again,

It will continue to hurt,

It will continue to make,

More tears to fall.

But who was I kidding,

I was merely a child,

I wasn't strong enough,

I could never be,

For the monster is huge

And scary,

I was nothing to it.

As I grew older,

I saw it surfaces,

Again and again,

I remembered the words,

I remembered the hurt,

I remembered the things broken.

Sometimes it gets angry,

Because of me,

Sometimes it gets angry,

For me,

And other times it gets angry,

At the people around me.

But the worst of all,

Is when its angry,

At itself,

And it turns to me.

I didn't mind,

Even thou it hurts,

Because I knew,

If I was the one hurting,

It wouldn't hurt,

Anyone else.

It wouldn't make her cry again,

It wouldn't hurt her again.

As I grew older,

And I saw the monster,

Again and again,

I grew weary,

But she stood by it,

She loved it,

Even thou it had hurt her before,

I couldn't understand it.

And so I hated it.

She said it loved me,

That was why it hurt me,

I didn't believe her,

Yet,

I find myself,

Sometimes loving it,

When it's not a monster.

It's confusing,

I know,

But what am I to do,

I couldn't kill it,

Even thou I have had thoughts,

About the deed,

For the only thing that's,

Stopping me,

Is that it is loved,

By the people around me.

Nowadays, the monster stays silent,

But it will show itself,

When I did wrong,

Or so it thinks,

And sometimes,

When I let my guard down,

It shows itself,

And instead of hurting my flesh,

It aims for my heart and sanity.

My heart shatters,

Whenever it says,

I am stupid,

Useless,

Not worth caring for.

My will is broken,

Whenever it says,

I am nothing,

And the ones,

That I was protecting

Agrees with it.

My sanity is tormented,

Whenever I looked,

Into the mirror,

And as I,

See myself,

I also see it,

It was with me,

And as I looked closer,

It became me.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : What Have You Done - Within Temptation

Resolution Rambles...

I know, I know ...I sound like a certain fa lecturer yes? XP. Oh yeah I'm thinking of making more of this audio logs....tell me what you think bout it ok?

Current Mood : Confused
Current listening to : Exile-Halftime- Epik High

These are....

My Words

Am I,
A bad person,
When I rather pursue better grasses on the other side,
Leaving the old field behind?

Am I,
A bad person,
When all I wanted is to be left alone,
And to be with the few who understood me better?

Am I,
A bad person,
That whenever the past tries to reach out to me,
I recoil and continue moving along a different path?

Am I,
A bad person,
That wishes to leave her past behind,
Because I no longer belong there?

Am I,
Such a bad person,
That I rather grow up and face my life,
Rather than to sit still and hid in safety anymore?

Am I,
So much of a bad person, so heartless,
Because in order to fulfill adulthood,
I needed to cut out my past?

People have a tendency to hold on to things too long,
Like parents who want their children to always be children,
Or the few that have lost their loved ones,
To always be there with them.

Well here is the truth,
People change,
People have to move on,
Because just like how time never stays still,
That is how life is,
It is always moving like a river flow,
And us the humans are either,
The ones struggling to hold on to the rocks,
Or the ones carried out by the flow,
I am the latter.

Why do people move on?
To face on level terms with their new challenges,
To make better lives than what they are currently having,
It may not sit well with many,
But that is too bad.

They say that I have forsaken my past,
The result of taking on a new road, with new companions,
They say that I am a bad person,
Because I no longer follow their will.
That I have moved on.

Why?
Because the past is no longer,
The place for me,
Because it keeps choking me,
Leaving no room to be alive.

The longer I stay in the past,
The longer I feel,
Hurt,
Useless,
But most of all,
Anger and disappointment.

Its harsh,
I know,
But its the truth,
Things can never be the same again.

I needed to move on,
To make myself a better person,
A more dependable person,
A more thoughtful one,
To discard these masks I used to wear,
In order to hide my true feelings,
So that I could remain in the past.

Life beckons,
And I am the fool who finally realized,
I needed to head down a different road,
So please stop chaining me to the past,
Stop making me feel guilty for going on alone,
I no longer belong there.
Let me grow up.
Let me be.
Don't make me wear another mask again.
In order to please you.
Just please don't.
Let me be.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Tourniquet - Evanescence

It's that time again...

For that massively huge migraine that accompanies your head whenever assignments are given to you by the lecturers. I used to just brush it off and looking back , I knew I barely made it through out the years with my skin on. It's the third year of my studies in the Faculty of Creative Multimedia, two years since I joined the Film and Animation department.

Do I ever felt like I made a bad choice, or just giving up? Many, many times my dear reader. But somehow like all Sagittarius, I'm stubborn to boot. A rock as my head and pride is my blood. I picked this course on my own accord, DAMMIT! It was my decision and I have to live through it, be it good or bad. Why I even joined in the first place?

I was tired, so very tired of society's boring expectations. I started having all this bored phase when I was 16 and it did affect my SPM results..I'm not proud of that. But I am proud of the fact that I manage to discern that society in whole can be evil.They make their children turn into robots, by creating all this monotone learning syllabus where everyone does the bloody same thing, take the same tests. There is no bloody room for personality to grow! Or for me personally after always being told what to do all my life, I have no sense on which to go at all in the end.

What is my purpose in life..apart from the obvious religion obligations as a healthy Muslim. What I mean is my purpose for being born in this world as a human? A scientist discovering new wonders? An astronaut walking on space with the nations pride? A doctor saving many lives everyday? What, then what? A film director? An animator? Or like Mr Mus always says...a sweatshop worker in the industry.

I admit I'm scared...Film and animation is a great thing without a doubt but what and where will it lead me to? I don't know....hell I don't even know whether my skills are even acceptable. It's so frustrating to think out all this thoughts...to see my comrades in battle fall leaving me and a few soldiers still fighting to defend the fort. Scared I will join them eventually...sigh.

But then, stupid me won't have that my dear reader. If I'm in this worthless fight on my own accord, I'm going to give it my all. Even if I was destined to fall, they can't say that I didn't fall gracefully. Even if battling it out hurts me, in the end it was because I made that decision....to do something different, something the society are not comfortable at.

Something that not many can proudly say they have done that. The road that not many have taken...and me as the fool who went through it...and am still walking.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Russian Roulette - Rihanna

In the deep recess of my subconscious..

I am The Traveler

You have an excellent balance of living for today whilst working for tomorrow.

A logical, rational mind that deals with problems when they can be no longer ignored but before they become too much hassle or out of control.

You are lost without a goal and strive to better yourself constantly whether it be physically, mentally, financially or creatively.

You are most likely quite a loner deep down, though this may be translated as a need for constant security from friends or activities.

You relish the challenge of moving on and searching the world as it is akin to searching yourself.

When will you realize you' re already home?


Funny enough...I think its quite right about me.....damn.

Current Mood : Nothing
Current listening to : Without a heart/심장이 없어 - 8Eight

A painting that is me...

The Son of Man
Gee..ain't that stating the obvious...

You love surprises and life cannot be routine.
Absolutely me....

You are a dreamer and acknowledge surrealism.
Ha ha lately my dreams are borderline surreal..

Highly imaginative.
Very true.

If possible, you would rather remain in your own fantasy than to face reality.
Without a doubt...

Like the theme in the painting, you are curious and always want to see what is hidden by what you see.
Hmm..kinda true...

Be careful not to get too sensitive and reading too much into things.
Been there done that but thanks for the warning..

You seek for answer beyond the superficial, even answers about yourself.
*Nods..

You are pyschologically-minded, and constantly yearns to know more about yourself.
*Nods again

You are a making of an intellect.
Really?! Yay!

Current Mood : Stoned
Current listening to : The Color of the Night - Lauren Christy

So hungry....

For food...glorious food, my dear fellows. Sigh, but then there goes my diet plan down the drain....I find it quite unfair sometimes that guys in general are able to do what girls can't; the ability to don't care what they eat! Grr.....

Ehem....anyways, if there is any dream that I wish will come true, a day of eating without the consequences of storing calories into the body would be one of it. And if it does come true, these are the things I will be stuffing myself with happily:

Breakfast

Start off with some lovely scrambled eggs...

Followed by some nicely grilled mini sausages....


A nice stack of pancakes with heaps of maple syrup....


And some nicely toasted french bread..


Lunch

A nice warm soup with croutons in it..



Some nice udon before the main course...



A steak sandwich as the main attraction...



With a nice brownie for dessert.


Dinner


Start of with some good old nachos with spicy dips...



Accompanied by some seafood spaghetti.....



Steak and fries as the main highlight.....



And plain old vanilla for dessert..yeap..vanilla is enough...



And for Supper.......












A good chug of Eno drink....

Oh come on. You can't expect me to eat those stuff without bursting my stomach is it? Ha ha..but isn't it a nice list thou? Sigh..I shall continue to dream of it then......

Current mood: Hungry
Currently listening to: Eat you up - Boa

Damn I'm even more hungry looking at all these pictures..........>///<"

F****** Awesome!

That's right. Bored of my mind today and decided to give my laptops a good nice makeover; a nice wallpaper. Now I figured since most of my desktops had my idols Wonder Girls in it, my 2 other laptops for now should express my other interests. After all the girls still hasn't released their new album yet T_T..so I've got nothing new to show anyway. Please girls release something @_@.

Comeback please~~ T_T..I miss em so much..

Anyway for my XPS, I decided to put in a fantasy themed wallie. It looks pretty...with a transparent mysterious fairy angel on a unicorn battling out this grim bent dark wizard with his evil minions looming and, and lightnings all around, oh my gosh it is so epic!!! Ehem..sorry got a little carried away there...

Anyways, I figured I want an automobile one for my Studio 15.What, its cool..and I am an avid fan of automobiles. Thou I cant name much of em ..sadly...
Was surfing around and happened to bump into a Scion car commercial made by Shilo. It was a 10 in an epic scale. Heck their portfolio was awesome as well. I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by their designs and animation...of course the most enviable of all are their motion graphics..T_T. Damn..I would do anything to be like them. Here's some of my favorite :

Mr Bay..did you had a hand in this..@_@

Please ignore the jackass XD

I call that masking hell... OoO"

Haha..if and if only I ever get to be 10% good as that, I am so thankful. Heck, even maybe work there? Who knows. Weeeeee...now I gotta buck up even more~~~\(@3@)/

Current Mood : Zombie
Listening To : Trot/트로트 by Epik High

Ps: If you were still curious I gave my Studio 15 a nice Aston Martin wallpaper...it is awesome!! Hell, I've even got a couple more as backup..can't wait to use them if i ever feel bored again. XD