Express Yourself

Considering that the performance above was on the year I was born, its safe to say, that yes, I grew up barely listening to much of Madonna's songs. Quite unfortunate really. In every new generation of female singers, they have always honored this amazing pop icon and her influences; I just never realized what they were till recently. "Express Yourself" is arguably one of her famous songs, more so as an anthem for girls in choosing their love.
 

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this

Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

Not the entire lyrics, just nitpicking the ones I felt really showcases the lesson she is teaching.  Especially the part, 'You'll do much better on your own' and ' So you can respect yourself '. Sure some folks would say she is a bad influence, a scarlet woman or generally a bad woman, but thinking about it, were they just afraid of a woman, in those times mind you, taking center stage and expressing her opinions through her songs? That said songs would be the female anthem for generations of girls to turn to ,in order to find themselves? Love her or hate her, she is a Pop culture genius, and she will always be here to stay.

[Source][Source]

Mixed Feelings

Excuse me for a second, as I try my best to clean of the dust that has settled on my keyboard. Its been quite a long time since my last update, won't you say? A couple of things happened since the last post. That's life, right? In one day, you have a friend you could turn to and the next, said friend is gone. Or that one day you had a grandmother, and the next she's lying in a white tomb with jasmines growing on it. Basically, life goes on, and sometimes, you just forget about trivial things and what not.

Why am I back again in this blog sphere? A funny tale really; was inspired to write back again when in the midst of improving my thesis. Not the best reason, mind you, but hey as Nietzsche once said, “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” Smart fellow, that one.

As for the title, yes it does reflect the feeling I have as I am writing this. Whether or not its a good idea to go back into writing mode with the old template, or should have just started it off fresh. After thinking about it, I decided to heck with it. I won't delete my past posts. I won't change my blog's address. And I most certainly won't start over with the same empty promise of writing everyday. I won't.

I will however, continue to write in this blog. I will continue to post things that I feel strongly about. I will write about things that may or may not be comfortable to talk about. I will write from my heart.

Why? You ask.
Well, simply because, I will not run away again.

Current Mood : Driven
Current listening to : The World - Yuki Kajiura 

These chains of mine....

So this is what it feels like (well, almost...) to being a working person. Gives me the shivers thinking I would be a lot worse as I grow older, doing nothing but work, barely seeing your family, barely noticing you have less people to talk too. Well it is the path I took, I can't turn back now.

I wanted to be responsible so that perhaps I can better support the people I love and care about in the future. But still it hurts, thou not as badly as it used to. It used to be that I would do everything I can to hold on to them. But now my heart grows colder as ' I don't care' becomes the chant in my head and on my lips. I keep seeing new faces now, with unreadable masks, and sometimes the old me would pop up to say hi. It never goes down well with them thou.

I keep thinking back to the days of the younger me, of how carefree I was back then. It is unfortunate that the world is a harsh mistress, with reality being a bitch. Old me can't fit into this world. Old me would just be drifted apart. But somewhat I liked the old me, the freedom she has, the opportunity that she could have.

New me says it can't be done, it can't be allowed. The new me says I must not care more for others feelings but concentrate more on my own. Be more selfish a good friend said to me once. Don't let the world walk all over you.

I tried, my dear, believe me. It will take a while to stop loving to help others even when they forget what you did. To stop thinking too much of what did I do wrong to make them overlook me. To stop feeling sorry for myself when I'm left alone but was always there when I'm needed. Dear me, it's really going to take a while isn't it......

Current Mood : Lost
Current listening to : Forsaken - Within Temptation

A moments reflection

I want,
To enjoy what I do,
To have a decent conversation,
To laugh with no care,
To be able to eat freely,
To drink with no worry.

I need,
To get motivated to do work,
To get my mind out of the gutter,
To stop fooling around,
To let things be,
To start being me.

I hope,
To stand up on my own,
To be a stronger person,
To not let others use me ,
To be able to say no,
again and again,
And to finally ending this pain.

Current Mood : Numb
Current listening to : Straight Up - Paula Abdul

What I see....

Do you know what it feels like?

To hate a part of you,

Yet, still long to love it,

But it keeps on hurting you,

Keeps you crying hard at times,

Silently so that no one may hear,

How this strong walls around me,

Can easily crumble down.

How I long for the answers to be clear,

Am I,

Or am I not,

Who I am meant to be?

Am I,

Really this sort of person?

Knowing how much I hate,

What I am now.

The memories kept haunting me,

It keeps replaying in my mind,

Like an old movie ,

Except this is real,

And you can't turn,

Your eyes away.

I see the monster,

For the very first time,

And it made her cry.

It hurt her badly.

I remembered the tears.

Her frightful eyes.

I watched them again,

I was only little,

Yet,

I had understood.

What I was seeing,

And what I,

Have to live with.

I knew,

That as long as it lives,

It will come back again,

It will continue to hurt,

It will continue to make,

More tears to fall.

But who was I kidding,

I was merely a child,

I wasn't strong enough,

I could never be,

For the monster is huge

And scary,

I was nothing to it.

As I grew older,

I saw it surfaces,

Again and again,

I remembered the words,

I remembered the hurt,

I remembered the things broken.

Sometimes it gets angry,

Because of me,

Sometimes it gets angry,

For me,

And other times it gets angry,

At the people around me.

But the worst of all,

Is when its angry,

At itself,

And it turns to me.

I didn't mind,

Even thou it hurts,

Because I knew,

If I was the one hurting,

It wouldn't hurt,

Anyone else.

It wouldn't make her cry again,

It wouldn't hurt her again.

As I grew older,

And I saw the monster,

Again and again,

I grew weary,

But she stood by it,

She loved it,

Even thou it had hurt her before,

I couldn't understand it.

And so I hated it.

She said it loved me,

That was why it hurt me,

I didn't believe her,

Yet,

I find myself,

Sometimes loving it,

When it's not a monster.

It's confusing,

I know,

But what am I to do,

I couldn't kill it,

Even thou I have had thoughts,

About the deed,

For the only thing that's,

Stopping me,

Is that it is loved,

By the people around me.

Nowadays, the monster stays silent,

But it will show itself,

When I did wrong,

Or so it thinks,

And sometimes,

When I let my guard down,

It shows itself,

And instead of hurting my flesh,

It aims for my heart and sanity.

My heart shatters,

Whenever it says,

I am stupid,

Useless,

Not worth caring for.

My will is broken,

Whenever it says,

I am nothing,

And the ones,

That I was protecting

Agrees with it.

My sanity is tormented,

Whenever I looked,

Into the mirror,

And as I,

See myself,

I also see it,

It was with me,

And as I looked closer,

It became me.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : What Have You Done - Within Temptation

Resolution Rambles...

I know, I know ...I sound like a certain fa lecturer yes? XP. Oh yeah I'm thinking of making more of this audio logs....tell me what you think bout it ok?

Current Mood : Confused
Current listening to : Exile-Halftime- Epik High

"What is the symbol of your personality?"

You are very loved. Everyone finds you a welcoming, warm person. They look to you for advice and comfort, and someone to just have a good time with. Your personality is seen as cliche and average, but in truth, you have talents and skills and ideas that no one has thought of before. You are someone with style. You are good with colors, and you know how to color people's worlds and minds to your way. You think new relationships are a coloring book, to fill them in with fulfilling conversations and meetings. You may seem nice and perfect and beautiful, you have a policy of "forgive but never forget". You always remember your enemies if you have any, and you know where to steer. Sometimes, when you're completely lost, you are dependent on friends for help. You hope they'll be there for you, but sometimes you fear that they won't be. That is something you are afraid of. You are ready to give, but you are also ready to accept. To many, it seems like you change your personality just for different people, but in fact, you are the one thing that's not changing. Other people grow on you, and grow fond of you, not the other way around. You are always yourself, and you are definite. ....


Funnily enough...it really does hit the spot.....heh.

Ps. Sorry for the very rare updates....real life blows you see...but most probably be writing again during the holidays..till then.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Angels - Within Temptation

These are....

My Words

Am I,
A bad person,
When I rather pursue better grasses on the other side,
Leaving the old field behind?

Am I,
A bad person,
When all I wanted is to be left alone,
And to be with the few who understood me better?

Am I,
A bad person,
That whenever the past tries to reach out to me,
I recoil and continue moving along a different path?

Am I,
A bad person,
That wishes to leave her past behind,
Because I no longer belong there?

Am I,
Such a bad person,
That I rather grow up and face my life,
Rather than to sit still and hid in safety anymore?

Am I,
So much of a bad person, so heartless,
Because in order to fulfill adulthood,
I needed to cut out my past?

People have a tendency to hold on to things too long,
Like parents who want their children to always be children,
Or the few that have lost their loved ones,
To always be there with them.

Well here is the truth,
People change,
People have to move on,
Because just like how time never stays still,
That is how life is,
It is always moving like a river flow,
And us the humans are either,
The ones struggling to hold on to the rocks,
Or the ones carried out by the flow,
I am the latter.

Why do people move on?
To face on level terms with their new challenges,
To make better lives than what they are currently having,
It may not sit well with many,
But that is too bad.

They say that I have forsaken my past,
The result of taking on a new road, with new companions,
They say that I am a bad person,
Because I no longer follow their will.
That I have moved on.

Why?
Because the past is no longer,
The place for me,
Because it keeps choking me,
Leaving no room to be alive.

The longer I stay in the past,
The longer I feel,
Hurt,
Useless,
But most of all,
Anger and disappointment.

Its harsh,
I know,
But its the truth,
Things can never be the same again.

I needed to move on,
To make myself a better person,
A more dependable person,
A more thoughtful one,
To discard these masks I used to wear,
In order to hide my true feelings,
So that I could remain in the past.

Life beckons,
And I am the fool who finally realized,
I needed to head down a different road,
So please stop chaining me to the past,
Stop making me feel guilty for going on alone,
I no longer belong there.
Let me grow up.
Let me be.
Don't make me wear another mask again.
In order to please you.
Just please don't.
Let me be.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Tourniquet - Evanescence

It's that time again...

For that massively huge migraine that accompanies your head whenever assignments are given to you by the lecturers. I used to just brush it off and looking back , I knew I barely made it through out the years with my skin on. It's the third year of my studies in the Faculty of Creative Multimedia, two years since I joined the Film and Animation department.

Do I ever felt like I made a bad choice, or just giving up? Many, many times my dear reader. But somehow like all Sagittarius, I'm stubborn to boot. A rock as my head and pride is my blood. I picked this course on my own accord, DAMMIT! It was my decision and I have to live through it, be it good or bad. Why I even joined in the first place?

I was tired, so very tired of society's boring expectations. I started having all this bored phase when I was 16 and it did affect my SPM results..I'm not proud of that. But I am proud of the fact that I manage to discern that society in whole can be evil.They make their children turn into robots, by creating all this monotone learning syllabus where everyone does the bloody same thing, take the same tests. There is no bloody room for personality to grow! Or for me personally after always being told what to do all my life, I have no sense on which to go at all in the end.

What is my purpose in life..apart from the obvious religion obligations as a healthy Muslim. What I mean is my purpose for being born in this world as a human? A scientist discovering new wonders? An astronaut walking on space with the nations pride? A doctor saving many lives everyday? What, then what? A film director? An animator? Or like Mr Mus always says...a sweatshop worker in the industry.

I admit I'm scared...Film and animation is a great thing without a doubt but what and where will it lead me to? I don't know....hell I don't even know whether my skills are even acceptable. It's so frustrating to think out all this thoughts...to see my comrades in battle fall leaving me and a few soldiers still fighting to defend the fort. Scared I will join them eventually...sigh.

But then, stupid me won't have that my dear reader. If I'm in this worthless fight on my own accord, I'm going to give it my all. Even if I was destined to fall, they can't say that I didn't fall gracefully. Even if battling it out hurts me, in the end it was because I made that decision....to do something different, something the society are not comfortable at.

Something that not many can proudly say they have done that. The road that not many have taken...and me as the fool who went through it...and am still walking.

Current Mood : Emo
Current listening to : Russian Roulette - Rihanna

In the deep recess of my subconscious..

I am The Traveler

You have an excellent balance of living for today whilst working for tomorrow.

A logical, rational mind that deals with problems when they can be no longer ignored but before they become too much hassle or out of control.

You are lost without a goal and strive to better yourself constantly whether it be physically, mentally, financially or creatively.

You are most likely quite a loner deep down, though this may be translated as a need for constant security from friends or activities.

You relish the challenge of moving on and searching the world as it is akin to searching yourself.

When will you realize you' re already home?


Funny enough...I think its quite right about me.....damn.

Current Mood : Nothing
Current listening to : Without a heart/심장이 없어 - 8Eight

A painting that is me...

The Son of Man
Gee..ain't that stating the obvious...

You love surprises and life cannot be routine.
Absolutely me....

You are a dreamer and acknowledge surrealism.
Ha ha lately my dreams are borderline surreal..

Highly imaginative.
Very true.

If possible, you would rather remain in your own fantasy than to face reality.
Without a doubt...

Like the theme in the painting, you are curious and always want to see what is hidden by what you see.
Hmm..kinda true...

Be careful not to get too sensitive and reading too much into things.
Been there done that but thanks for the warning..

You seek for answer beyond the superficial, even answers about yourself.
*Nods..

You are pyschologically-minded, and constantly yearns to know more about yourself.
*Nods again

You are a making of an intellect.
Really?! Yay!

Current Mood : Stoned
Current listening to : The Color of the Night - Lauren Christy

What happened at the traffic lights......

Your humble narrator is driving with Emo baby in the passenger seat. Behind was Master Panda with the only working seat belt, and on the other side was The Rocker. Sandwiched between them was Kitty Kat. On the journey back to Money Making University after a nice breakfast at dawn in Mickey Dees.

Master Panda : You know, you want me, Kitty.

Kitty : WTS!?

Master Panda : See the traffic lights? When it turns red I will lay my head on your shoulders. If it turns green I will leave you alone until the next traffic light. So you better pray it is green, baby.

Kitty : .....

The traffic light in front was green,and just when it was their car's turn to go it turns red.

Kitty : NO!!!

Master Panda : Yay! *proceeds to lay his head on her shoulder.

Kitty : No!! Eeew get him off of me!

The Rocker : *stunned before she starts laughing.

Emo baby : AHAHAAAHHA!!!

The Scripter : ROFL. *claps at the awesome sight.

The light turns green again.

Kitty : Grr...

Master Panda : You know you like it. *grins

The next traffic light is coming up.

Kitty : *prays

The Scripter : Hmm, looks like its green for now. You should be fine.

Emo baby : What if it suddenly turns red before we reach there?

It really turns red.

Master Panda : Yay!! *does it again.

Kitty : No!! This is sexual harassment! Stop it! Nya!!!!

The Rocker, The Scripter, Emo Baby : L-T-A-O !!

The car turns quiet as they reach the highway. Just one more traffic light before they reach their destination. It turns red again.

Master Panda : * as he snuggles on Kitty's shoulder. You know it makes me wonder that this is the third time you prayed for green, yet it always turns red. So it means that all this while, you really want it red, right? You like me to snuggle you like this? That's what you were praying for right?

Kitty : *pissed

The Rocker, The Scripter, Emo Baby : * laughed too much till they hurt their bellies.

Thankfully for Kitty the next one was green all the way.......


The quote above is not exactly quote for quote but the basic context really happened. Too bad we didn't viddy it. Much funnier that way. XD

Current Mood : Reminiscing
Current Song : Over My Head - The Fray

Ps: Watch out for more posts like this. XDDD

I want to viddy these!

My holidays is coming soon to an end...but I rather not think about it. In fact I would rather spend my time snooping around for the latest music or movies coming my way soon. For now, I have set my eyes on these movies:

4.Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Why I want to watch? I'm not exactly a Darren Shan fan, having only read the first part of the saga before I moved over to other books. But, I do remember that it had a rather interesting spin on vampires. So I was curious when I heard they are making a movie out of it. Granted as usual books turned movies don't really adapt well but I'll save the judgment for when I see it. Hey, I'm already happy that the vampires don't sparkle and from the trailer it looks like it is more than a half baked plot there. Besides the strong cast of John C.Reilly, Ken Watanabe, Salma Hayek and Jane Krakowski should be interesting to note.



@0@.....will you look at that awesome regenerating by Miss Krakowski? I'm guessing it will be eye candy for vfx-ers..


3. Sherlock Holmes

Its not till Christmas...but so far so good. I'm really anticipating this one. I want to see how Robert Downey Jr act as one of the World's greatest detective with his opium addiction and all. Looks like it'll bring in some laughs too.


Rofl at that last scene~~~ XDD


2. Alice in Wonderland

No need for explanation...its Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. That's enough I believe. Besides it will be interesting to see a darker tone of Alice, eh?


Wee..naughty naughty XPP


1. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Such a loss, Mr Ledger will forever be in our memories. This one looks like a real visual candy. No matter what will be watching this....looks like good casting and the music gave me goosebumps. And the plot sounds so surreal..heh. If that's not enough, apart from the late Heath Ledger, there is also Johnny Depp,Collin Farrell and Jude Law in it as different aspects of Heath's character. Sounds good to me.


You can't see me now, but know that I'm actually jumping up and down in glee watching this. XDDD

Current Mood : Sleepy
Currently listening to: Russian Roulette - Rihanna

So hungry....

For food...glorious food, my dear fellows. Sigh, but then there goes my diet plan down the drain....I find it quite unfair sometimes that guys in general are able to do what girls can't; the ability to don't care what they eat! Grr.....

Ehem....anyways, if there is any dream that I wish will come true, a day of eating without the consequences of storing calories into the body would be one of it. And if it does come true, these are the things I will be stuffing myself with happily:

Breakfast

Start off with some lovely scrambled eggs...

Followed by some nicely grilled mini sausages....


A nice stack of pancakes with heaps of maple syrup....


And some nicely toasted french bread..


Lunch

A nice warm soup with croutons in it..



Some nice udon before the main course...



A steak sandwich as the main attraction...



With a nice brownie for dessert.


Dinner


Start of with some good old nachos with spicy dips...



Accompanied by some seafood spaghetti.....



Steak and fries as the main highlight.....



And plain old vanilla for dessert..yeap..vanilla is enough...



And for Supper.......












A good chug of Eno drink....

Oh come on. You can't expect me to eat those stuff without bursting my stomach is it? Ha ha..but isn't it a nice list thou? Sigh..I shall continue to dream of it then......

Current mood: Hungry
Currently listening to: Eat you up - Boa

Damn I'm even more hungry looking at all these pictures..........>///<"

F****** Awesome!

That's right. Bored of my mind today and decided to give my laptops a good nice makeover; a nice wallpaper. Now I figured since most of my desktops had my idols Wonder Girls in it, my 2 other laptops for now should express my other interests. After all the girls still hasn't released their new album yet T_T..so I've got nothing new to show anyway. Please girls release something @_@.

Comeback please~~ T_T..I miss em so much..

Anyway for my XPS, I decided to put in a fantasy themed wallie. It looks pretty...with a transparent mysterious fairy angel on a unicorn battling out this grim bent dark wizard with his evil minions looming and, and lightnings all around, oh my gosh it is so epic!!! Ehem..sorry got a little carried away there...

Anyways, I figured I want an automobile one for my Studio 15.What, its cool..and I am an avid fan of automobiles. Thou I cant name much of em ..sadly...
Was surfing around and happened to bump into a Scion car commercial made by Shilo. It was a 10 in an epic scale. Heck their portfolio was awesome as well. I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by their designs and animation...of course the most enviable of all are their motion graphics..T_T. Damn..I would do anything to be like them. Here's some of my favorite :

Mr Bay..did you had a hand in this..@_@

Please ignore the jackass XD

I call that masking hell... OoO"

Haha..if and if only I ever get to be 10% good as that, I am so thankful. Heck, even maybe work there? Who knows. Weeeeee...now I gotta buck up even more~~~\(@3@)/

Current Mood : Zombie
Listening To : Trot/트로트 by Epik High

Ps: If you were still curious I gave my Studio 15 a nice Aston Martin wallpaper...it is awesome!! Hell, I've even got a couple more as backup..can't wait to use them if i ever feel bored again. XD

It all started in Paris....

during the 19th Century, when famed detective Vidocq disappears while pursuing a murderer called the Alchemist; an assassin that he has been pursuing for a few months. Unfortunately..its not Flamel. His young biographer, Etienne Boisset, decides to have revenge on Vidocq's death and takes the investigation on.

That is the basic plot for Dark Portals: The Chronicles of Vidocq directed by Pitof. Never heard of him? Well, he was the director for Catwoman..the one where Halle Berry wore nothing short of her swimwear as her armor..

remember this?

Personally Halle Berry has got nothing on Michelle Pfeiffer. Her Catwoman was the best still in my opinion. But wait a minute, this post got nothing to do with catwoman...its just actually about my experience of watching Vidocq.

A little something for those technical junkies, this movie was one of the first film to be shot entirely with digital cinematography in Sony HDW-F900 CineAlta camera. Pretty neat huh? Not even going to critic the vfx....it was obviously fake of course..its a 2001 film after all XDD !

Here is some screenshot for your viewing pleasure:

Like I said, visuals are meh for me. Its passable in its attempt at foretelling an apocalyptic old Paris. Only thing that griped me was the characterization. One, there wasn't enough growth. Two, the twisted ending albeit a good idea wasn't properly executed. I was like WTH?!? @_@"

There is some good stuff as well. The fighting style is the same as catwoman. Its quite alright and tastefully done to me. My favorite was the first battle between the Alchemist and Vidocq with the pigeons and stuff. Wondering why I even watch in the first place? Because it was a steampunk movie..one of the few good ones in terms of steampunk elements. It was part of my research for my feeble attempts for FA Gamma work..@@.

Oh my...@_@

Yeah, it was definitely a good research material. Would have wanted to follow the movie's lab concept instead of the steampunk mechanic workshop, but I don't think my dear lecturers will approve of the ehem, sexual themed lab..with dolls in awkward position... or the walls filled with pictures of demons doing...yeah..best not to do that. Even if they would let me, I doubt I can pull it off. Don't look at me like that! I didn't know it was an R-rated movie in the first place. Plus the concept was intriguing, I mean first time I see steampunk done in that manner without centering much on the machines or such. Sheesh......anyway its not the best movie but it did entertain, so its alright.

Since I can't find a good quality trailer..one with subtitles anyway since its french, here is the soundtrack instead, so you can see bits and pieces of the movie. Its Hope by Apocalyptica. Credits of the video to Universal Music Group.

Apocalyptica - Hope Vol II (Vidocq BO)

Is it just me or is that long blond haired playing cello person really effeminate ? @_@